Responses the third

Joseph,
I think the lede with Bardeen is really amusing and it keeps me interested. There are some good details with the scenery. I think I was thrown off when I got to the part about smoking pot so late in the story because I thought that’s what the focus was going to be, but it seems like you had to expand it to a profile of the cemetery altogether. Some parts are a bit repetitive like the first sentence of the fifth paragraph. And there’s one sentence that I read over a few times: the first sentence of the third from last paragraph, you say students from Western and K recite Lil Wayne lyrics and discuss philosophy, but I guess I needed you to give a location. You don’t even have to make it boring like “in the cemetery” you could say something like “among the phallic cement structures” or something. I mean, you probably don’t want to say the tombstones are phallic, but you get the idea. The last paragraph seemed out of place. Maybe introduce the fallen tombstones earlier so you can get back to it by the end?

Emily,
I love where you’re going in your lede, but I want you to show me instead. Consider giving a description of one of the houses at the top of the Fair Arcadian and then transition to the intersection and description of her house overlooking a mini strip mall. Also the second and third paragraph are fantastic, you showed us the gun and then shot it like a pro. Fantastic repetition in the fourth paragraph, I’m a sucker for those kinds of phrases. What happened to the woman she was dating when she married Matthew? I’d also like to hear more about the aggression toward Matthew in Tanzania. I know this draft is temporary, but—though I think the ending is well written—I’m not sold on it, it was mostly about Natalie and you mentioned your admiration a bit in the beginning and then at the end. If you end up making this the complication, I’d like to see it woven throughout the entire story more.

Maureen,
I don’t know if I’m taking it the right way, but I love this section: “Javin stares out his single window. The blinds are closed. ‘There are a lot of weirdos out there.’” It’s an amazing juxtaposition and I think really captures Javin since it seems like he has no specific complaint. He’s upset that he has no friends, but doesn’t seem to look into any reasons why that could be except that everyone else is crazy. In this way, this is a bit unflattering for him, because I see at least one solid reason: he lives in a single dorm room where “his neighbors are the parking lot and the lounge” it sounds like his location requires him to be exceptionally outgoing, which he’s refusing to do. In this way, the addition of Zaide Pixley and Pat Ponto’s comments on loneliness at K make me wonder how I should digest that information. Here, how you’ve put it, I see someone who wants people to come to him to be friends, and then the administration grappling with causes why people are lonely and depressed which definitely includes him but also a group of people who probably aren’t so much in control of the situation. You have some great movement and images in this, but I wonder about the overall theme and whether it all works together.

Mary,
After reading this piece, I want alcohol to be given more time in it. Have you asked the pro-streakers something like “If it’s about liberation, why are many people drunk before they attempt it?” You have LandSea as an interesting contrast, since that’s an alcohol-free zone. I see you’ve put yourself in this piece, and I want to see more of that threaded through it. If you’re so against nudity and you have someone saying to you “nudity is a non-sexual form of expression” I want your reaction, your come-backs to that, or, at least, your bewildered nod. I wonder why you chose not to talk about the Frelon attacking incident, I feel that’s a voice you’re not representing in this piece. You have the nudists (if I may call them that) the faculty who seem to be taking no definite stance, and you who are uncomfortable with nudity. There are people out there who want to watch just for the sake of watching, but never want to streak. That’s a weird thing, what about naked people running around gets that population interested? And what about streaking makes people feel like throwing things and attacking them? I guess I really don’t buy this whole idea that streaking is a form of expression and liberation, because stripping naked in a public place while sober is one thing, but getting drunk and running through a crowd is something completely different. I think it’s more of a dare, a challenge, equivalent to keg stands and beer bongs...and even the gallon challenge. At least, that’s the drunken population’s perspective. They don’t streak at nudist colonies, they just accept nudity as natural.

Camilo,
Rufus sounds amazing. I love the ending scene with the trash can and the president line, that’s pure gold. You did a fantastic job of recreating the plane ride with the woman next to Rufus telling him to relax. I love the line about showing up in Nairobi wearing a safari suit. I think you need to take the word “some” out of the line “The truth is everyone in some of his family wears clothes.” Unless parts of his family don’t wear clothes, in which case you need to explain that more. I’m not sure what you mean “During the opening act on the first day.” Great transition from the laid back Kenyan culture to how diligent Rufus is about working. Does Rufus take classes here? You have some great images: Rufus shopping at Wal Mart and not buying beer, the trash bag scene, the plane scene. I don’t know, I want more and right now I can’t even put my finger on what it is.