Responses.

I didn't do Akiko justice in my piece, but I wrote it as fast as I could and posted it, so my apologies for that. Here are my comments for you!

Mary,
This is an awesome piece. You put so much detail into the descriptions of Munchie that it’s hard not to know exactly where in the store you’re referring to. The anecdotes about Munchie are so amusing, I could read pages of that stuff. There’s one image, though, that I’m not sure I understand: the part where Paul is just trying to get Will to smile, I don’t really understand what he’s doing. It sounds like he’s doing the universal “I want a hug” sign. There’s something missing from this and I’m not sure I can accurately pinpoint it. I don’t know if I wanted you to profile Paul or if I thought that you were trying to do too much with this piece and it turned out to be a survey of all of these anecdotes and jokes from Munchie without a strong focus. I guess I felt like, as I was reading the descriptions of Munchie in the beginning, that I was waiting for you to start telling the story. I don’t know if a brief history of Munchie would remedy this, or if that would be totally boring. Either way, your piece dances circles around mine and was so entertaining.


Colin,
Same as Mary, this piece is smooth like butter. You really took me through the train station and set up the scene beautifully. Plus, you have a few really great lines in here, after the horrific death of the college student, “It was the two men who went into the bathroom, saw Heisinger, saw the blood and walked back out and across the street for coffee that put the sticker on the mirror.” That is just golden. I guess I have the same question as I had for Mary, though, and I’m not sure of the focus of the piece. You have the train station and you have the murder, and to me they seem a little separate. I don’t know if you were focusing on the station post-video cameras, thus post security. So, if now it’s safer than it was in 2000, or if you were focusing on the train station and that’s one of the anecdotes you wanted to tell. You could have easily gotten into the history of the station as well, but that would have been boring and I like the story you’re telling.

Camilo,
First of all, I love Linda. She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met at K, I’m so glad you profiled her. Second, you have some fantastic images and details in this, I particularly like her morning routine that’s kind of set to what cup of coffee she’s on. There’s a few parts that are confusing, I think you could introduce Jim as Linda’s high school sweetheart, because as it is, it doesn’t become clear until the second paragraph. I really like how there’s this underlying theme of death in her profile, and you did a great job of following that all the way through. I think you introduce Jim’s death too soon, because after that you back up to when he was still alive and where they lived for his job. I don’t understand the quote, “After Jim’s death my goal was to raise a happy healthy young man who wants to leave his mom, and I think I’ve done it for good.” I also don’t really think the quote that she “wasn’t having success just getting pregnant” says what you want it to say. As it is, it sounds like she was trying to get pregnant and couldn’t, but you want to say she didn’t feel fulfilled by being a mom. Overall, you picked an amazingly interesting woman, this is a cool profile.



Emily,
This piece just seems like it’s already published. You have such beautiful language, especially when describing the scene and the characters. Your writing makes me believe you from the beginning. I feel like there are two themes with this story, though, and you could pick one and make it deeper. There’s the theme of this group of artists that is dispersing and this woman who started it in this awkward position of having no one really taking the group mentality seriously anymore, and then you have the theme of recycled art and the techniques of the artists. Did you ask Filtzpatrick what her plans are for next year? What the turnover rate is for artists, how this keeps Exquisite Corpse from reaching its full potential? These are kind of awkward questions, so I would understand if you didn’t ask them or don’t feel comfortable asking them. As it is, I feel like you’ve started telling me a story and I don’t really know the ending. What is she going to do next year and how does one become a member of the exquisite corpse? Also, when Howes is peeling cardstock off of the art piece and says he can’t believe she matted it as if she had to qualify what it is—I have no idea what he’s talking about: I have no idea what matting is and I have no idea who ‘she’ is. Overall, fantastic writing, Emily.

Maureen,
You have quite the character to work with here! Jane’s ideas of friendship are so foreign to me I want to hear more about it. I feel like what may have happened is you went to hang out with these girls and they didn’t really do anything. That’s fine, I think you can work with what you have, but you have to cut some of these scenes. I don’t see the significance of detailing Susan making sausage in the microwave, or the details of stir fry. You could say Susan went downstairs to make food and invited the others down and let that lead to your Crystal Ball scenes, but as I reader, I really don’t need to hear how things were cooked. Also, is there any way you can get Jane to talk more about herself and her views on social relations? I’d love more direct quotes from her. How close is she with her parents? Does she not have siblings? What was high school like for her? What else about American culture doesn’t she like? You have action with Jane watching the Crystal Ball attendees parade around the common area, but you need more content for this to be an amazing piece. Great job selecting Jane, though, she’s quite the individual.

Lindsey,
Your opening paragraph is fantastic, you really introduced The Strutt with grace. Overall, though, I’m not sure right now whether this piece is a narrative or a review of the food and atmosphere of The Strutt. You don’t really have much background or history, but you do a great job of describing what’s there now. What information did you get in the interview? You can talk more about the people who frequent the Strutt, or the bands they have every weekend, or the craft shows they host on the weekends, too. In fact, I think it would make this piece multidimensional if you discussed how the Strutt transforms itself to meet each of these obligations: music venue, craft show, chill coffee shop. That would completely follow your thesis in this, since you say the Strutt is more than just a simple coffee shop. Great descriptions of the food and atmosphere, but I want more! Tell me what Bain looks like, tell me what he’s doing when he’s talking to you, tell me what the college students next to you look like. Who’s winning at Monopoly?

Joseph,
This is a great piece. I love the images, specifically the sleeping, possibly dead, homeless man in the gutter. You do a great job of giving such strong details of Johnny’s appearance and his gestures and even his pauses, I can see so many of these scenes clearly. The only part I guess I don’t completely follow the opinion of the narrator is when you say Johnny isn’t an egotistical, cocky rocker, but a few paragraphs earlier I think he is. He’s not a professional rock star, but he’s already been through all of the typical rocker heathen lifestyle of excess? And he’s over it and thinks it’s dull? I don’t know what rubs me the wrong way about that paragraph, but he sounds like a bit of a jerk from that section. I guess because to be able to have gone through all of the excesses of a rock star and then gotten over it implies he’s done well enough and had enough money and resources to do that, and it just bugs me. Again, I can’t explain it, I should be happy he’s not an addict anymore, I guess. I love the scene with the kids and the balloons, though. I thought you said you talked to him on the phone and he wasn’t doing as well anymore? I want to hear more about that, and then you can switch the story arc into the highs and lows of the rock star lifestyle, I guess. Nice piece.